walk with me

Thursday, October 15, 2009

going back...

"It's time I got back, it's time I got back
'n I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back, yeah!"

these words from the song "the good life by the weezer". it popped in to my mind while i was hand washing some undies and socks earlier this eve... DANG!!! and i felt how much i'm missing my old life, my old self... most of us yearn for a change. that is certain! and i have always wanted at least a little part of my life to change. and i mean BETTER change... since i took this teaching job, i never felt comfortable and i believe that it's supposed to be fun. i should be having fun. but what is wrong?

i am beginning to forget the meaning of the word. it's because i really don't like it. (i just have to be honest.. pardon me) the kids in my class are all fine. though some of them are really hard to handle... and again, i beg for your understanding but i believe that i am not the right one for the job. this job pays less than one human being could ever imagine and requires tons of patience. from the start, i have always been nice and sometimes grouchy. but i never tried a stick or at least show them that i don't like them. i always made sure that i am equip with the right lesson plan and materials. and not only that... i gave them the best attention that i can offer (not even my own kids are so privileged to get that attention) you see, i tried and tried and until now i keep trying to give them all i could even if i get so little and even if their unmindful, paranoid and nagging moms does not appreciate it!!! (pant! pant!) BUT there is always an end for everything especially if it is becoming your worst nightmare! just last saturday i was accused by one of the moms of being un-teacher like and harassed me through a phone call. it almost slipped from my tongue that i am not what she think i am and that she doesn't know me well and that she has no right to tell me those barbaric words that she kept saying to me! and of course, as always, i still approached her with all humility and didn't try to answer back. but only God knows how much i wanted to fly to their house at that very moment and push her cell phone down to her throat!!! (pant again!) and until now i am terrified by that phone call... one thing more... my sore throat worsen... it's been on and off for like a month now and i haven't been checked by a doctor. no time for that... my voice is still hoarse and it aches badly. i'll try to see a doctor this weekend and ask for a medical certificate and YES! i will file a resignation to the office next week.

you might say that i am the worst person ever that you've met. i don't give a damn. my kids will suffer if i'll go on like this. they have been deprived of my precious time for quite so long now. my poor youngest daughter can't keep up with her lessons in school. that's because i don't have time to sit and teach her anymore. it's funny... damn funny! i teach these kids and yet i can't do the same thing with mine... she's in pre-school and she really needs attention. my attention! i don't want to see her growing up and blaming me for all the poor grades that she'll get in the future. i guess, it's time that i should get back to my good old life.

i mean better old life...

2 Freakouts:

Lilize said...

omg, i am so sorry that u've been going through this.

and i was going to wish u a happy teacher's day!!!... so much for happiness in teaching.

i don't think you're a bad person at all - i've heard this from many people.

people say that teaching is a very peculiar thing to do. either u looooooove doing it, or u hate it, and if u hate it, u'll always be miserable in the profession and no matter how much effort u make, students will see right through u and make your life miserable.

i was a teacher for nearly 10 years and i stopped when i started traveling around... and now i can't teach in the US, but i am looking into furthering my education here so i can go back to teaching... it's something i consider therapeutic - unlike u. but i know lots of people who retired from being teachers and they say "THANK GOODNESS, I COULDN'T STAND ONE MORE DAY IN A CLASSROOM", because they hated it all their lives.

u did good in taking a stand, this IS a good change :)


i_wander said...

it's good to know that there's someone (who happens to be a former teacher) who can understand me! ^_^ i used to say that i'd love to teach if i'd be given a chance. but i didn't say that i'd want to handle little kids coz i know that time will come that i'd regret it and make me feel guilty... thanks for the nice words... i am deeply touched.